when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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