No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize