well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
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You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This is the high leading the old right now
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
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On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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