i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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