God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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