Is it normal to miss your booty call?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
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Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
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We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
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