Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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