I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
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I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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