Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
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i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
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i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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