I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
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If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
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I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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