Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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