I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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