I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize