gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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