You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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