So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
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I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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