just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
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Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
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Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
please don't ironically join a cult
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