go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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