Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
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she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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