I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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