Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize