it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
