My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
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He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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