i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
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I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
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I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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