Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
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Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
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I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
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Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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