remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
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Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
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I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
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