So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
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Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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