She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
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She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
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Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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