last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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