On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
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