meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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