I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
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The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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