She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
