i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
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He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
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Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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