We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize