considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I deserve this hangover.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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