I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
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if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
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I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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