I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
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He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
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SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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