I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
farters have to be the big spoon...
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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