john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
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