cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
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Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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