Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
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Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
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I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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