I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
