my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
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I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
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I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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