I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
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I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
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Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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