so that wasnt chicken after all
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
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Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
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He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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