I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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