It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
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that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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