drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
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I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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