Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
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I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
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When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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